Loneliness. There. I said it.
It happens; it happens to all of us. For some of us, it happens the moment we leave our doorsteps and step into the unknown. For some of us it takes months, or years. But there will inevitably be a time, somewhere on your travels, when everything seems to be going fine and then – BAM – it hits you. Right out of nowhere, smacks you in the face. And just like that – you’re lonely. Lonely, and alone.
Canada
It’s a little strange, because if I can speak on behalf of most solo travelers, we’ve generally mastered the art of being alone. We’re really good on our own. Being alone is easy. But being lonely… well that’s a little different, isn’t it.
I don’t write this post to scare anyone away from solo travel. It’s not about that. There is nothing in this world more sublime and enlightening than time spent roaming the planet on your own terms. So take this post with a grain of salt, please. It’s not here to curb your passion for wanderlust.
I should also admit to you that I wrote this post several months ago, when I was living and working in Turkey, and have been debating for far too long whether I should publish it or not. After much thought, and a bit of convincing, I finally decided to share it with you. Considering it’s something we all go through when we’re on the road, probably many of you can identify with it, and several of you probably have some ideas on how to counteract it. I think it was the thought of exposing my vulnerability that I was shying away from, but I always appreciate honesty and lucid frankness in others, so I suppose it’s my turn now. :) Right?
Malta
Why Do We Get Lonely, Anyway?
It’s not being away from home that’s causing my loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have friends here, because I have a few. To be honest, I don’t really know what’s caused this overwhelming feeling all of a sudden. But for those of you who can identify, you might liken this feeling to a sense of claustrophobia. Which seems strange because I’ve never had so much freedom in my life. And it’s suffocating.
China
Maybe it’s because I’m always so far away from home. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so far away for so long that I’m not even sure where home is any more.
Mongolia
Maybe it’s because I’m seeing all my friends get married, have children… Babies are literally invading my facebook news feed. Not that I’m jealous… am I?
It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m getting older. I’m alone. And away from everything familiar, for the third year in a row. Maybe it’s because for the first time in a long time, I miss having companionship. I miss hanging out with friends. I miss evenings drinking port with my dad and I miss laughing at stupid reality TV shows with my mom.
It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve got so much time to spend thinking about how alone I am. Where I’m living – in a little village on the outskirts of Turkey’s smallest city, a 45 minute walk from anything civilized – is absolutely removed from any sort of hustle and bustle. This is not an Istanbul or Ankara or Izmir experience. This is a small Turkish village experience, and I appreciate it for that. In fact, I love it here.
Turkey
But, for the first time since I left Canada, I’m feeling misplaced. It’s unexpected, out of context, and puzzling. Because I’m in a beautiful place in the world. I’m teaching, I’m traveling; I’m doing what I love to do. I have a backpack, no possessions, and all the freedom in the world. But somehow, and don’t ask me how I got here – because I don’t know – but somehow I’ve arrived at this plateau. There’s nothing here but a signpost and a vast expanse of what appears to be very barren land in every direction (I know better than to accept this as truth – the lands aren’t barren – they just look that way right now). I simply don’t know where to go. There are so many routes – for the first time in my life, they’re almost blinding me – and I don’t know whether I feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed anymore. I just don’t know which way to go. I’m lost. Not because I don’t know where I am, but because I don’t know where I’m going. Does that make sense? I’m staring at this stupid signpost as if I’m waiting for it to make the decision for me. I’m at the crossroads of Settling Down and Seeing the World and Meeting Someone and Jumping the Next Flight to Madagascar and Buying a Home and Volunteering in Ethiopia and Starting a Family and Going to Grad School and Getting a Job in Antarctica. And I don’t know anything about any of it.
Korea
So I’m Starting to Panic.
Can any of you identify with any of this? Something about the place I’m at, and the length of time I’ve been away, and the heightened awareness I have of my solitude that comes from living in the Middle of Nowhere again.
Perhaps it’s not surprising, then, that my solitude is suddenly tangible. I can taste it. I have so much time to think. And when my thoughts are as three-dimensional and dynamic as they have been lately, the result will inevitably be an explosion. It’s really just a matter of time.
Am I happy? Truly, yes. I love my life. This I know for sure.
Thailand
Life (& Death) Goes On.
Life goes on when you’re on the road – it doesn’t pause, or wait for your return. Much has happened in my life in the last few months, and that’s likely where a lot of this is coming from. I’ve had to face the deaths of two people who were very close to me, and as much as my friends and family have been there for me, there is only so much they can do when they’re so far away, and so much of it I need to deal with on my own, anyway.
South Korea
Death is never an easy thing to deal with, but it has literally knocked the wind out of me this time. The sense of emptiness that comes from the passing of a treasured friend leaves gaping holes in the heart, ones full of agony and sadness, and I think even the strongest person would have trouble dealing with these things alone. Wouldn’t they?
Poland
For the first time in my life, I can’t seem to find my feet. I’m faced with the fragility of our existence in a way I never have before. Life is so beautiful. I want to share it with people I love. I want to share it with people who love me, too.
So, when loneliness starts to gnaw at you – and inevitably it will – what do you do? When you’re on the road indefinitely and this dreaded loneliness kicks it up a notch – and I mean really kicks it up – what do you do? When those small pangs of homesickness or short stints of sadness creep in, they usually pass after a few hours, days – weeks, at the most. What do you do when they refuse to leave?
England
When You’re on the Road & Lonely, What Do You Do?
I’ve compiled a list of some things that help me when I’m on the road and feeling lonely… Do they sound familiar? What works for you?
Watch a good movie, or a TV series that makes you laugh. Sometimes just getting your mind off everything works miracles. (My go-to’s are Step Brothers & Seinfeld.)
Morocco
Go out and meet some new friends. Join a sports team, or a hiking group. Strike up a conversation with the next person who might possibly at one point in their lives have spoken English, ever. ;) Obviously the difficulty with this increases the further you remove yourself from touristy areas, but it can still be done. Try smiling at people you pass on the street. Every person in the world speaks this language. :)
Surround yourself with good food and drink. Whether you go to the nearest grocery store and pick up the ingredients to Mom’s secret recipe for spaghetti and meatballs, or head to the pub and order a steak and a pint, surround yourself with food and drink that makes your tastebuds scream “thank you”. Your belly will be warm and satisfied, and hopefully your happy belly will make your head happy, too. Being in a pub around other people does wonders, too, even if you can’t speak the language. Unless you’re the only person in the pub. ;)
Dive into a good book. Assuming you can get your hand on a book in a language that you understand, reading is a great cure for loneliness. I like to pair my book with a glass of wine.
Explore like it’s your job. Get out there and be the biggest tourist ever. If you’re traveling for pleasure, it’s now your job. Go. Take pictures. Write notes. Make sketches. Create little stories from everything that you see. People watch. Stare awkwardly at everyone who catches your eye. There’s bound to be some comic relief there at some point.
Skype. I love skype. Skype with everyone you know. And if you’re really lonely, call me. I’ll skype with you any time (chances are, I probably need it, too). :)
Listen to Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” On repeat. Until you smile. It won’t take long, trust me. Or watch this. :)
Remember why you’re here. You put yourself here for a reason. You’re nowhere near anyone you know and you knew exactly what you were doing when you came here. Enjoy it, damnit. It’s a real treat to have all this time to yourself. You’re probably making people at home jealous by just being where you are. Might as well see the beauty in it. You won’t have this opportunity forever.
Remind yourself of the benefits of traveling solo (even though you probably want to throw Number 6 off a bridge right about now).
Well Would Ya Look at That. I Gone Done & Fixed Things.
Well, what d’ya know. I just talked some sense into myself. Apparently the best cure for loneliness when you’re on the road is to write a blog post and knock some sense into yourself!? ;) Ha. What am I even doing, wasting all this time feeling bad for myself???!!!
The Reality.
Loneliness is a reality that comes with the territory. We can choose to be dragged down by it, or we can embrace it. If that means we pause to watch movies, read a book, drink wine, smile at strangers, explore the neighbourhood, skype with loved ones or write blog posts until we feel better, if we put our minds to it (or just give our minds a break, once in awhile), we can overcome anything. Even that ghastly monster we know as Loneliness.
Am I right?
Greece
Or am I right. :)
When we are young, we should travel around the world.
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I agree, but what do you do when you get lonely?
Great post. Sure it wasn’t easy to write but thanks for sharing. We all feel loneliness it’s a natural feeling and shouldn’t be swept under the carpet. Thanks fit talking about it. I had been curious as to how you were doing. Had a hunch since you were back in Canada that maybe you were missing something.
Thanks, Darren. It was one that I debated posting for a long time, but you’re right – the feeling is natural and we all go through it, don’t we. Appreciate your thoughts! :)
Kristina brave post, and yes you’re right we all feel “it” at some point. You’ve done and seen so much, but there is always somewhere or something else that you haven’t been or done mentally or physically that intrigues you. I’m sure you have a list of these things you’d like to do, this list shapes our future. I like think about my list and how I will be able to accomplish those things I would like to see in my future. I may not get them marked off my list immediately, but I find comfort in knowing my wishes will someday come to fruition if I keep them in the for front of my thoughts. That path forward may still be cloudy or “blinding” as you put it, but having your list in your head helps you turn down the right path when you feel it in heart. Thanks for sharing and safe travels! PS my Dad works in Ethiopia and loves it there. If you need me to drill him with any ?’s you may have on the area let me know.
Paul, thank you so much for your comment. This list that you’ve suggested is a great idea; I’ve never thought about compiling one even though, like everyone, there are a vast number of things that I want to accomplish in this life. I think your advice to write these things down as a sort of “go-to” inventory when the path ahead turns ‘cloudy’ is excellent counsel, and I’m going to get to work on a list of my own pretty quick here. Thanks again for your reflection, and I’ll keep you in mind when I plan to make tracks to Africa! Cheers :)
Beauty, Kristina.
I definitely felt lonely on my trip, even though it was only a couple of months. Yes, you’re constantly meeting people, but you don’t have your best friend who knows all your secrets or your mom who forgives you and loves you no matter what. So often, everybody I met on the road just went on and on about how amazing their trip was and how sorry they were to be going home… I kept wondering if feeling lonely meant I was doing something wrong.
But! I definitely agree with you on this: “It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve got so much time to spend thinking about how alone I am.”
I found a run or a walk with my iPod blasting tunes from home always cheered me up and reminded me of how lucky I was.
<3
Julie! Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Although loneliness hurts, it’s really nice to know we’re not alone in this (pun intended), and that others go through it too. There is absolutely no substitute for a friend who knows all your secrets or the feel of a hug from someone you love when you need it the most, is there?
You bring up an interesting point about other travelers and the inability to empathize with this almost ubiquitous aversion to going home. Perhaps this is odd, but one of the reasons I didn’t return to Vancouver for so long was because I was afraid I’d go back and feel lonelier there than I did on the road. Not entirely sure why I had this emotion mapped out like that, but in retrospect it seems a little backward. I was just afraid that nobody would identify with me anymore, or something. And the longer I stayed away, the bigger this fear became. And now I realize that it’s complete garbage. That the only perspective that changed was my own.
Anyway, your idea of walking/running with some tunes is a good one. Nothing like some upbeat 80′s music or something equally jazzy to spruce up a sour mood. :)
Thanks again for the comment <3
Enlightening piece you’ve posted up. I am definitely nowhere near the amount of traveling you’ve done (not anytime soon, but hope to add on as I age). I feel I’ve wasted (or perhaps use the words “not have used my time wisely”) during my younger days, while you’ve gone out, roaming through the different countries whether during work or vacay.
For me, the feeling of loneliness is different, yet with a bit of similarities. I was never really in another country or city by myself. Not having traveled much, I think I freaked a bit in HK, maybe in Seattle.. even in Surrey at times!.. hah. Also, like you mentioned, it’s not too shabby either at times.
Movies or tunes during some uneasy times.. maybe Ace Ventura, Dumb & Dumber, Grown Ups.. perhaps some electronica (not amongst everyone’s choice of music), but generally upbeat.. maybe some LMFAO (?)
Keep doing what you’re doing.. :)
Isn’t it interesting how loneliness can have so many different faces and crop up in different places for everybody? I don’t believe you have to be half-way across the world to experience it; for me, that’s simply where I’ve had my most intense bouts of it. Dumb & Dumber is a great suggestion – I’ll add that to my “feel better list”. :) Thanks so much for the comment, Gary!
I can sympathize with all the sentiments here. I found solo traveling most lonely when I was settled into one place. Once you’re on the road, it’s hard to find the time to be lonely.
As an aside, Don’t Worry Be Happy isn’t Bob Marley. It’s Bobby McFerrin.
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I fully agree. When you’re constantly moving around, there really isn’t much time to be lonely. And if it creeps up on you, it never seems to last very long.
Thanks for the tip about the song! I’ll change that up right now :) Cheers!
Not a happy subject but a wonderfully intriguing post. The times in my life that I have felt lonely are few and far between but then I have never done anything like what you are doing or that I am about to embark on myself – a cycle tour all over Europe with no definitive end date!
I will be travelling solo but in order to not be alone, I will be wwoofing (volunteering) as I do so. Of the 5+ months I have planned in France from May 2012, 4 months will be spent on farms with only 5 or 6 weeks solo cycling to get from one host destination to the next. It will all be new and exciting for me so I hope loneliness will not the chance to kick in.
From October, however, I will spend the best part of two months cycling anti-clockwise around the coast of Spain, Portugal and Spain again until I get back into France, where once again I will seek volunteer work sometime in December which will hopefully see me right through the winter. I wonder does loneliness only come from long-term travel? Will my first six months on the road even be long enough to feel alone? I hope not.
I will keep your post in mind on the days that I sense that empty feeling and hopefully it will kick my mind into action.
Thank you for making me more aware of the pitfalls of solo travel and keep your chin up Kristina :)
I’ve found on my travels that wwoofing and couchsurfing do wonders to help stave off the arrival of the mean (probably green) loneliness monster. I think you’ll probably be fine. You’ll be moving around so much that it’s unlikely you’ll have a chance to really feel lonely… That being said, when it creeps up, it always creeps up unexpectedly, and from my experience there are no real hints leading up to that moment when it smacks you in the face and forces you to pay attention to it.
From the sounds of your trip, you’ve got lots of different locations and ideas mapped out. Pretty sure you’ll be okay. :) It took 3 years for the loneliness monster to really find me, sit me down, and make me feel alone enough to be lonely. If you’re lucky, he may never even find you at all :).
Thanks for the comment, and I look forward to reading all about your trip!
I know how it feels to travel alone. It gets so irritating when no known faces are around at some unknown place.
But you are one lucky girl, to have been able to travel to so many places is a big deal.
Keep travelling………:)
-Jeff
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Thanks, Jeff. I do feel incredibly fortunate :). It’s sad sometimes when there aren’t any familiar faces around, but that’s just one minor inconvenience in an otherwise totally fulfilling experience. After all, when we leave, we do so knowing full well that we’re leaving the familiar behind. And isn’t that so often why we go away in the first place? To be surrounded by the unknown? :) Thanks for your comment, and happy adventuring!
Everyone needs to return to their Kingdom…every now and then.
You know what? You’re absolutely right. :)
Great blog you’ve got! I agree with you on everything except the eating out. After many journeys on my own I still hate eating out alone. Right now, I’m travelling alone on my motorcycle, riding 7000 km passing through 7 countries in 6 weeks.
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Thanks Jonna! It took me awhile to appreciate eating out alone, but I’m totally comfortable with it now. :) It sounds like quite the trip you’re on! Which countries are you passing through?
Thanks so much for this! there is so much in this post that I can relate to. I’ve been following your wanderings and feel very inspired:) hopefully someday it’ll be my turn!
Cheers, Maddy! I’m happy you can relate to some of this stuff and stoked that you feel inspired! I’m certain it’ll be your turn someday soon… please do start a blog and send me the link when you do! :) Happy wanderings!
I like your blog still. Especially when you write things like this “I know better than to accept this as truth – the lands aren’t barren – they just look that way right now”
You have a good head on your shoulders friend.
Thanks Jenn! Appreciate that :) Sorry I’ve been so sparse with updates lately, but more are coming, I promise! You’re rad!
Awwww, don’t panic. And remember, somewhere out there, someone else is panicking about the exact opposite-The Settling Down and Starting a Family. Hi, that’s me. Don’t get me wrong, I also love my life, and have loved every aspect of it since I was cognizant enough to realize how lucky I was/am to have seen/done/been all the things/places that I have. But the thought of being permanently tied to something has always unnerved me just a little. Getting married was one thing, having a kid entirely another. There is always plenty of time to meet somebody and settle and do all that, so enjoy it as you have been. You love your life and that is what is most important, don’t you think? Circumstances might not always allow for you to continue in the path you are on, and you are one lucky girl!
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Two days ago I signed a cell phone contract for 3 years. The guy behind the counter told me if I move out of the country, I’ll be faced with a penalty of $600. Would you believe that the simple thought of this freaked me out to the point where I turned heel and walked right out of the store? A three year contract! Like a death sentence. What is wrong with me?
So, that said, I know exactly where you’re coming from when you say the thought of being permanently tied down is unnerving. If a cell phone freaks me out so much, what’s going to happen when I meet someone and want to settle? Marriage, kids… all things I want. It gives me great solace in reading about your adjustments because I truly admire and respect you, and know that we share similar values. It makes me smile knowing that you’ve made this fantastic life for yourself and still hold dear your wonderful travels and adventures across the globe. It’s not an ending, just a new beginning. Right? Thanks so much for your comment! :)
Wow, Kristina. So much of this read as if you were writing about my life! Maybe we’re just not meant to travel solo for so long…
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Roy, I think you might be on to something. Traveling indefinitely isn’t easy… maybe we’re not actually meant to do it alone and for so long. Or maybe we just need a home refresher once in awhile? Glad you can identify with some of the sentiments :). Thanks for your comment!
It seems that you are a photogenic person… can feel it seeing your picture.
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Thanks, Samuel :).
Seeing your pictures it seems you truly like travelling to places… and the word Vagabond doesn’t really suit you… :P…. Anyways good to see these sort of post…..
Thanks.
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Haha… I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult ;). Thanks for your comment :)
Well seeing your pictures I became a lil nostalgic… as I used to travel a lot when I was at your age… but now the situation is different….
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Situations always change, but you’ll never forget your travels when you were younger. Right? Cheers :)
I’ve never tried traveling solo, especially when visiting other countries. But that won’t stop me from traveling solo in the future. I just have to try it! I can totally see myself following your tips in case I get lonely!
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Thanks Samantha :)
Wow, I am amazed with you. You really travel along on that various places. How I wish I could do that!! I want to have strong fighting spirit to travel along. I haven’t tried traveling along and I want to do it. In fact, I love to visit China this year.
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I hope you do. It’s a wonderful place!!!
I love also traveling and taking pictures along my trip. In fact, I am amazed of your stunning photos. You visited beautiful places and I really want to visit that place as well.
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Thanks Willa! :)
Great article that sums up what all of us solo travelers go through at some stage. When I try to explain the feeling of being lonely and not alone whilst on the road you can see some travelers just don’t get it. You know, the ones who are traveling with a friend or worse yet those backpacker package tours that show all the sites and none of the local culture that can only be found away from the lonely planet must see’s.
For me I seem to get lonely when I begin to miss my dog, that bond that only I know, the companionship that no-one else see’s. People are always there, some you like some you don’t some you have amazing conversations with and others not. Its all part of what builds you and changes you as you explore more of this wonderful world and its people.
Thanks, Lee! I know exactly what you mean… everyone experiences travel in different ways, and as a result, some people can identify with the ways you experience loneliness while others have either no concept whatsoever, or completely different concepts entirely. I understand the bond with missing a pet, too. Though I never traveled extensively while I had my dog, even short stints away from him made me gut-wrenchingly homesick. But with this passion for travel comes the inevitable risk of loneliness and you’re totally right – it’s all a part of what makes each of us who we are. And I wouldn’t change that for the world :).
Great article, for sure not easy to write.
That’s the first post I read on your blog, so I could think you are the depressive kind… but I am sure you’re not! Let’s have a look at the other articles though!
PS : nice sample of depressive photos too ;)
Ha ha, thanks Chris. Definitely not the “depressive kind”. Just was going through a very human moment, that’s all. :) Thanks for your comment!
Hi Kristina, thank you for this post! I’ve been considering and planning a solo trip for the first time during August – mid October to South Africa. I’ve never travelled on my own before but have been reading a lot of posts of people who have and well thankfully they’ve been uplifting and have calmed some of my fears on the issue. Here’s a question to you as an experienced solo traveller :) I’ve been thinking if I should plan my trip on my own or rather book a guided tour for at least some of my time there? I think the biggest fear is feeling lonely and this is why I’m considering the guided tour option along with the chance of meeting people. Any thoughts on this? Any recommendations you could give would be highly appreciated
Hi Fatin! Good question. I am generally against any type of “guided tour” and am of the opinion that wherever you go, if you are open to it, you will meet great people. That said, I’ve never been on a guided tour myself (they tend to be so expensive!), so I can’t really speak to the benefits. I’m sure it would be a fantastic way to meet people right off the bat – so I would suggest, if you’re going that route – to make sure you do it at the start of your trip, and not at the end :). And make sure it’s not the only way you travel, because I really do believe if that’s the only way you go about seeing things, you’ll miss out on so much – especially meeting locals, who provide perhaps the most interesting and valuable insights about the places you visit :). You seem to have a really fantastic attitude towards it all, though, so you’ll have a great time regardless :). Good luck, and thanks again for your comment. Happy adventuring!!
What a beautiful blog and very brave/generous of you to share. I don’t often comment on these things but I felt compelled because you encapsulate the beauty-and the sometimes loneliness- of travelling alone. Travel loneliness is bit of a taboo subject mostly because we dont want to admit to folks back home that, yes, sometimes we do get lonely. But look at your beautiful photographs and tell me it wasn’t worth it; amazing scenery, gorgeous sunsets here and there, extreme emotions (I see you visited Auschwitz) and no doubt you leant about who you are and what it means. Most people I know have bucket lists which they never get round to attempting because of the fear of being alone or because of compromise with their partners. Well, I’m just finishing my ambition of travelling to all the continents-I’m writing this in Sydney. But Today I felt a bit blue. The worst thing about travelling solo is not being able to share the experience with someone you love. Having seen so many amazing things here, and in New Zealand last week, and all over the world, that just seems so unfair! machhu picchu pat on the back, grand canyon pat on the back etc etc. wish i had company…So I’m feeling sorry for myself. But I’d rather have these odd moments of loneliness then missing out on seeing the world. I work as a uk singleton diplomat I’m some of the deepest darkest corners of Africa so I’ve had my fair share of solo travel. Your not alone and I hope things work out for you. Thanks again for your inspiring blog. Paul
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Wow, I am so glad I found this. I am currently solo traveling in Athens, Greece. I can relate to you on a smaller level because I am only here for three weeks…but this is my first time alone abroad and I am still in college. You explained everything perfectly. Ironic that your last picture is of you in Greece. Anyways, I wanted to thank you for sharing this because I don’t know anyone else who can truly relate. It’s a sticky situation because like you said, there are so many positives but you can feel so negative. I really appreciate your words :) so thank you!